Monday, January 30

My "Canon in D major"




J
ohann Pachelbel's Canon in D Major.






That is the name for the piece which is playing in the background right now (embedded audio track in a web page. Funda credit: DD). This piece had been haunting me since yesterday.

It started when I was watching "The Wonder years". The protoganist, a 12 yr old Kid Kevin Arnold, enters the scene on his small cycle. Its dusk... in the suburbs. His playtime is over and he's on his way home. He stops outside a window. The glow from the house shows a few senior people watching a young kid play "Canon in D major". He stops outside and ponders:

When your a little kid, your a little bit of everything,
An Artist... Scientist... Athlete... Scholar...

Sometimes it seems like growing up is the process of giving those things up one by one.

I guess we all have one thing that we regret giving up. One thing that we really miss.
That we gave because we were too lazy or we couldn't stick it out....

or because..... we were afraid.
After this scene, in flashback mode, Kevin continues to show how he had backed out of his piano lessons (which he is actually good at) because he couldn't play "Canon in D major" as well as Ronald Hirschmuller. He practices hard and improves so much so that his tutor prefers his natural flowing style of playing to Ronald's mechanical style. But he cancels his recital and regrets that decision forever... He says:

I never did forget that Night.

I remember the light glowing from Mrs Carple's window. And I remember the darkness falling out there on the street as I was looking in.

And now, more than 20 years later, I still rememeber every note of the music that wandered out into that still night air.

The only thing is...... I can't rem how to play it anymore.


Since those words, a better part of my childhood rushed back to haunt me. The piano lessons, the singing lessons, swimming lessons (My akka would dilligently take me and promptly laughing when I would dive-bomb from the board), even art lessons for god's sake! I remembered all those hours of forced creativity and false exuberance. The energy that went into those classes. Mine & my escorts's. The hard-earned money. All those instances in which creativity and talent was to supposed to be channeled into me. To mould me into a complete personality.

The thoughts were noble. The efforts? Despicable.

But yes... Those days have left me with an appreciation. Appreciation for the finer arts. Appreciation for the nuances present in the expression of human civilization. Appreciation for the people who actually went through the process... with or without inherent talent.

As Kevin said, I guess everyone does have something that they loved, to be left behind in the process of growing up. It could've been Dancing gaily or Getting your knees green every day or Tending to that solitary flower in your balcony or Cycling around without a destination... ANYTHING. We all say growing up "sucks" or that "ignorance is bliss". But how many of us would have the courage to go back to those unfullfiled passions? To try and rekindle them with the remaining vestiges of our childhood. "Woh kaagaz ki kashti"?


In hindsight, giving up on music was a very defining part of my childhood. It was when I would let laziness truimph over one of my favourite passions. It unfortunately showcases itself in my life habits even now. Indolence.


Giving up something just because of inherent lethargy and fear of mediocrity.

Mine was music... What is yours?


Monday, January 23

Tears.... in heaven

Would you know my name
If I saw you in heaven?
Would it be the same
If I saw you in heaven?

I must be strong
And carry on,
'Cause I know I don't belong
Here in heaven.

Would you hold my hand
If I saw you in heaven?
Would you help me stand
If I saw you in heaven?

I'll find my way
Through night and day,
'Cause I know I just can't stay
Here in heaven.

Time can bring you down,
Time can bend your knees.
Time can break your heart,
Have you begging please, begging please.

Beyond the door,
There's peace I'm sure,
And I know there'll be no more
Tears in heaven.

Would you know my name
If I saw you in heaven?
Would it be the same
If I saw you in heaven?

I must be strong
And carry on,
'Cause I know I don't belong
Here in heaven.

- Eric Clapton & Will Jennings

Saturday, January 14

.


Blank.

That is wht my mind had come to after I finished reading 'Rama revealed' by Arthur C Clarke. The Rama series (***Spoiler warning***) is a series consisting of 4 books which tracks the interactions of the human race with an alien spacecraft and ends with the life story of the first few humans to board tht spacecraft: 'Rama".

The questions of Life, the Universe, Creation and God are often convenienty relegated to the back of our heads. This action is woven into the fabric of our society so that our day-to-day activities are carried out in an un-inhibited fashion. These questions have been substituted by some of the rites and rituals that any of us care to follow or simply by an annual visit to the temple (or any other place of worship).

We hindus just bow (more like nod) our head when we pass temples and then say a few slokas/hymns that was seared into us at our childhood. Other religions are also more or less the same. We mostly end up praising the glory of god or thank him/her/it for all the good things in our life or we ask him for more happiness/successes in our life. And all this is well-rehearsed.

We just tell God: "Hey thanks a lot sir-jee! Amazing world you have made here. Ya, my life sucks... but so what? I am sure it must be in the 'Grand plan of things'. And oh ya... I have this, like, very important exam coming up. I know I didn't study a bit for it, but... you knw... can u just dust off a bit of ur sheeer benevolance onto me for those 3hours??"

Just stop.

And even for a fraction of a second try to truly comprehend what is there around us.

Each one of us is 1 in a six billion of an intelligent (yeah right!) species on this planet. There are mebbe over a trillion of living organisms in general (discounting the germs and viruses). We are a DAMN LUCKY planet amongst 9 in our sun's neighbourhood. Our Sun is Just 5 billion years old in a galaxy which is twice as old...... this can simply continue forever until we reach the infinite...

As I write this i can hear the shouts and screams and hollering associated with a volleyball match in out hostel (its the first night of Intra-hall volley). The participants are giving their all-out, the crowd around them supports them jeers a few and its pitch rises and falls with every exctiting play in the game. A little farther removed, in our instititute gymkhana, students are zealously getting the whole setup ready for our college festival. Even further removed, there is another rally which more or less brings a part of Calcutta to a standstill. On the national front, terrorism and even Amitabh Bachan are chucked out of the window of dis-interest with the Indo-pak series (with spl focus on Ganguly) revving up. China is still confounding the rest of the world with their abysmal finance system. Whereas the whole world awaits with bated breath as to what will happen in Israel-Palestine (the hotbed of international terrorism) after Sharon's heart attack.

This is a sample of hapennings in varying scales of time and distance around me. How am I supposed to be affected by the squiggly lines of the Boombay Sensex when I know (rather have been reminded) that we are not even a blink in the history of time?

This sort of a thought process should take me towards a nihilistic delusion. But thankfully, I don't succumb to the enchanting yet elusive questions that time poses to me. I know how those squiggly lines will affect me. I know that only when those lines stay on the top of the chart and continue to do so, will I get a job very easily in this "Great Indian boom". And that job is what is going to keep me fed and clothed and sheltered for a few more years atleast.

But anytime from today when due to a delusion of great achievements or swelling pride, I raise my head high; I know that the sky above me will remind me to lower it.

Its an irony:

Our greatest lesson in humility is right above us. And we are too proud to even acknowledge it.

Friday, January 6

Been some time...

Its been quite some time since I lasted posted something (DUH!).....

But between those posts contaning nice forwards and this prolonged silence, I have been experiencing something (still am) which I have NEVEr felt in my life.

That of being left in a lurch...

As in, there are so many things that any student goes through (multiply it by a 100 if tht person is in a hostel) in his/her student life. I did... I am sure that you also must've... To be unchanged and untouched by the happenings around you in college would mean you are either:

(a) Demented
(b) Dumb
(c) God

I am sure I can discount the last possibilty. And I am always stand by the notion that nobody's actually dumb... they just lack perspective (yaya... I am a humanist). And if your demented, then please don't visit this site again. Ever.

So, as I was saying... I went through a lot. Mostly on the professional sides. Very few readers of this post would not know what I am talking about. But for their benefit (but primarily my own), let me put it down. You see, I had a job offer from ITC ltd. It had a fat pay package. An excellent mentor (my summer training supervisor) was waiting for me to join his division. I would've been placed quite close to home. And also, I would be using some of the 'technical expertise' and 'analytical skills' that I had gained in the past 4-4.5 years. It was good. In fact, in hindsight it was TOO good for the professional qualifications that I could proclaim to possess. Forget Soft-skills... they go for a six when a company is hedging Lakhs over you.

So I went to Calcutta on the 13th (Damn! :) ) for my final interview (mainly HR). 5 minutes into the interview, I knew they weren't interested. They had seen my grades and had decided. But still they HAD to go over the charade of an interview. Unfortunately for me (... or for the company?) they didn't think that they had ' a suitable profile' and thought they wouldn't be 'able to keep me energised' through their work that they can provide. It took me exactly 30 minutes to recover overall (in the meantime I was chatting up with other ppl)... I was relieved only after calling my Parents and my ITC project supervisor. Their shock was good enough for me.

I spent an amazing evening with the other successful candidates... Sandy, Varun and Aashwit (glad to get to knw u then buddy)... We did the perfect thing possible... Have an amazing dinner at an amazing place (Peter Cat at Park st.) and watched a jhelao bollywood movie (Ek Ajnabee) ..... And I had an epiphany somewhere on the way... I decided that I will NOT willingly step into something that I don't like (unless the pay is fat... but chances of tht happening.. hehe).

All my life, I have been shielded and protected. Both by family... and myself (:D)... But it sucks to have your security blanket snatched away from you. Its actually scary. Also, how does one talk to others with your earlier infectious(?) self-assurance. You grew to become a senior over 5 years. And suddenly you have to be ready to be a junior again. You have to try not to make the same mistakes. Because from now on there will be no hug saying "Peace hai be"... no support system (remember Sandy?)... No reassuring smiles... No juniors timid enough to be afraid of talking about your failed attempt...

There will just be a slap on the back ... "Tough luck man! See ya tommorow morning."

So here I am. In a lurch. I have proudly declared that I shall not be a part of the great Indian IT story. I am sure I will have to struggle to stick with that decision. I think I am ready to do so.

I hope I am ready to do so.

And for all the support... Thank you.


Sniff Sniff... WAAAIIILL!!!BAAWWWLL!!!... Now that I have it out of my system ...

I am going to put up some mast posts soon...